I am realizing that I am more emotional now than normal. I have had to take a step back and evaluate some things.
I realize that 10 years is a long time but today my mind feels like it was just yesterday. Ten years ago this week I was happily pregnant. Tim and I had just attended my 10 year class reunion. So I had been able to visit with my parents and reconnect with my high school friends. We were excited to share about our first pregnancy.
We had no idea that in one week our lives would be forever changed. As I remember what we experienced the flood of emotions is so fresh it seems like yesterday. I can't believe that it has been 10 years. I can still remember the ultrasound tech and how deathly quiet the room was as she scanned. I can still see my midwife's face and hear her say "You know I don't have good news...". I remember holding Tim's hand and thinking what is going on, surely it isn't that bad.
I remember driving home and laying in bed with my hand on my stomach praying for the least movement, for anything. I remember laying in bed with Tim that night and crying all night. I remember the rain as we drove to the hospital. Tim saying that even God was weeping with us.
I read an article this week written by a Christian that chose to abort her twins because they weren't developed properly and one was dying in utero. As I read the article I felt such pain and remorse. I would have given anything to have held my baby while he was alive. I would have cherished even a single minute. I am trying hard not to judge this fellow believers decisions but it is hard. When my grief is still so real, it is hard not to ask why?
This week I think this hits me especially hard. In a hurtful way, I have been called ignorant and stupid for voting for a candidate based on their stance on abortion. I have been told that really because that is an issue that is important (the most important) to me that I don't deserve the right to vote.
It has been said that really if you are pro life then you should do something about it. The inference that those of us that are pro life don't. How utterly arrogant. People have no idea what I have or haven't done to support mom's struggling with unwanted pregnancy's.
All of this comes so close the anniversary of the most traumatic event in my life. So right now my emotions are raw. I feel like I am being attacked and am not sure how to defend myself.
So I have taken a self imposed sabbatical from my favorite message board. I am separating myself from women that I consider friends. I know that I will deal with this but tonight it is hard. I feel very alone. I know that I am not but sometimes when you are dealing with the grief of losing a child you feel that way. Which is so sad to me. I know lots of other women that have suffered this loss. I know I am not the only one. But we don't talk about it much in society and so there is a self imposed restraint. When you face the anniversary of your loss you do it alone. I know that I have been guilty of not remembering the loss my friends have suffered.
I realize that ten years is a long time and that one year is a long time. We move on. But mamas don't forget. These are the days that we hold in our minds. I don't think we dwell on them but when certain dates come up we remember. We take out the memories that we have and we dust them off. We may cry, we may even laugh but we definitely mourn. We mourn the loss of the unknown.
In the midst of this my boys are playing around me on the floor. They have an elaborate train set up and block set up going. They know I am upset but they also realize that things will be ok. They can sense my sadness but they know it will pass. So even in the midst of this grief there is a celebration of life happening at my feet.
I will post later this week more about Josiah James. Ten years really doesn't seem that long at all.