Saturday, September 19, 2009

Josiah James

Grief comes in many stages and long after you think you are done grieving you will fill the tears rush to your eyes and the hand constrict your heart as you remember.

I have posted previously about what I gained and lost when we gave birth to Josiah. This week I was reminded that even 11 years after the fact that my soul still grieves.

In the days, weeks and months that passed after we lost Josiah, grief literally flooded my soul much like a tidal wave. It would wash over me until there was nothing left. Even though my faith in God remained there was little to my spiritual life. I had no emotional energy it was like the grief had washed all the excess out to sea and it left me very raw and even barren.

As time passed the grief would still come but it seemed a little less in a way. Then last year as I dealt with some issues in my life it felt like the tidal wave was back again. It left me raw and emotionally barren. This year I have noticed that the grief still comes but it is a little softer. There is less rawness and more longing. Maybe that isn’t exactly right, I am still raw. I still deal with emotions that ride underneath the surface of my life. It seems I am more sensitive to certain things and more callous to others. But the under current isn’t rawness it is longing.

I long for the day when my family will be complete. I long for the day when I will finally after all these years get to hold and rock my baby. I long to see his face and know him. I long to see him perfected and whole not to erase the memories of his imperfection but to know he is finally complete.


Carpool Queen said...

I pray for a special grace for you as the waves roll over.

sprocket said...

You continue to be in my prayers.

Bunny Wilson said...

My heart goes out to you, Robin. I know how you hurt. It's like an unexpected - out of nowhere - flooding of your whole being in grief. I call them my "Ana moments" when I find myself suddenly needing to hold her and turning it all over to the Lord once again.

Kimberly said...

I have not lost any children and wonder how one could go on after loosing any. I'm sure the grace to do so can only come from God. My prayers for you.

gary said...

Tim and Robin I loved the post. Tim knows My heart goes out to you guys, As a father that lost his son at birth your post has helped in many ways. This Thanksgiving is the anniverity of the death of Andrew Bryce he would have been 2. Tim sent me your blog a couple of months ago when i was having a hard time dealing with grief and loss. I totally understand the grief and how it just over comes you and you feel like there is now way to get out from under it. When my grief becomes so bad that i feel like i need just to sleep I have found peace just by going outside and listening to the peace and quiet of the wind or going to the lake and just sit and watch the water flow. It seems to just wash away some of the pain and lessen the pain. Love you guys and will keep you in our prayers. God bless and keep you safe. Tim you are a great friend and a life line that i hope never gets severed. God bless and love you guys.

mer@lifeat7000feet said...

Oh Robin...I'm just now reading this and my heart is sad. You are able to articulate feelings so well. I will pray for you as God brings you to mind.

Going through some grief of my own these days, so maybe in my moments of surprising ache/longing I can lift you up too.